A Mom's Mental Load Burden and Burnout, or Why I Hope Schools Stay Open

I find myself waking up each day, thankful that school is still open and praying that it stays that way.  Deep in my heart, I don't really believe we are going to get through a year without another shutdown of school and the horror that was schooling from home last Spring.

Sure, there were some high notes from last Spring as we all attempted to work and learn from home, the most important one being family time and a slower pace of life.  As sports begin again this fall, I am simultaneously thrilled and panicked trying to remember how we did it with all of these kids on different teams and schedules.  Having nowhere to go for a few months was a welcome relief that grew old quickly.  Much like how scheduling ALL THE THINGS is a welcome relief right now that will grow old quickly.  We can never be content, can we?

 Phil and I have talked (and talked and talked) about the difficulties of schooling from home and I shudder just thinking about it.  Having nine of us in a small house was hard to find a quiet space for each of us.  Not just hard, it was virtually impossible.  Phil locked himself in our bedroom at our desk, JP used Maggie's room and desk, Andrew used the upstairs hallway desk, Eamon would use his bedroom, Maggie would use the little boys' bedroom, Xander would sit in the family room, and the two youngest boys did their work in the dining room.  I sat at the island in the kitchen and tried to manage the chaos.  

I truly feel that the weight of schooling fell on my shoulders.  Even though I was working full-time from home, I also had to keep the zoom schedules straight, make sure our too-few-devices were being shared, help with schoolwork, keep the little ones entertained and feed everyone.  It's not that Phil wouldn't help, that man is a saint, it's that he couldn't help because he was live-teaching classes.  Whenever he would get a break between classes, he would come out into the kitchen, which is when I would run upstairs to print something, or make a call, or escape to focus on work for ten-minute blocks.  

But mostly, it was the mental burden of it all.  At the risk of sounding sexist, I think moms/women carry the heavier mental burden of family life than dads/men.  Phil will openly admit that he can just focus on work while working, and then come home and focus on helping out with the kids.  His brain compartmentalizes tasks that way.

Not me.  I wish!

I fall asleep thinking about what I can make for dinner the next day.  I drive to work running through a todo list in my head.  I look at our calendar and text kids who need a reminder of an appointment.  I remind kids of school projects and summer work.  I worry about each child getting enough attention and love.  I send up a prayer at the same time someone is presenting a project at school.  I sign everybody up for sports, music lessons, and altar serving.  I plan family vacations.  I check our bank account daily to make sure bills are paid on time.  I meal plan and make grocery lists.  I notice when the pillows need to be tossed and the bed sheets need to be washed.  I make lists and chore charts and reward charts.  I worry about how to use that last bit of leftover ham.  I order gym shorts and socks without holes because a kid complained in passing this morning.  I schedule workout times for Phil and I.  I plan the seasonal mantle decor.  I research daycares and babysitters.  I schedule physicals and flu shots.  I send gifts to the godchildren. And on and on and on.

 It feels like the raising of a family and the keeping of a home is a full-time job, and somehow we are also expected to go to work on top of that?  When we are not in the middle of a pandemic, I feel like I can just barely keep my head above water, but when we were all trapped in the house, it really hit me hard.  Daily walks of complaining and crying to Phil were a necessity to let it out and come back feeling slightly refreshed.  The mental burden was strong and my anxiety was right behind it.  When I say I am so thankful that our children are in school learning each day, I mean it.  I don't know how I could handle the alternative for another year, though I know the grace is there when we need it most. 

I'm just praying I won't need it.