Thursday, March 25, 2010

Am I For Real?

I have issues.
One of them is that I lack confidence. I never feel good enough at what I do, I can always see someone who is better, and I usually feel like an impostor.
Take compliments, for instance. I don't know how to receive them. If someone says I did something well, I can always come back with a line like "That's only because...." or "Thanks, BUT......" instead of just accepting the compliment generously like I should.
When I was dating Phil, and he would refer to me as a woman, I would laugh my pants off and tell him I was still only a girl. A woman is someone who is older, more mature, and has it all together. I was still just a girl in my eyes.
When I started to take running more seriously (about 2 years ago??) I would never refer to myself as a runner. Real runners were athletes who trained all year long for races and ran way faster and longer than I could. I was just someone who liked to exercise and sometimes that exercise would involve running.
After giving birth for the first time, I couldn't believe that I was now a mother. I was too young and naive to be in charge of this little soul, wasn't I? I couldn't get over the fact that they just let us walk out of the hospital with him!!
In my first job right out of grad school, I was hired to be an auditor for a CPA firm. I completely felt lost the whole 8 months I worked there (I left once I had my first baby). Even though the managing partners would tell me I was doing a good job, I never ever felt confident enough. When I began doing bookkeeping for small businesses, I would always say I was a bookkeeper. Even after working at my current job, which is a lot more than just bookkeeping, I still referred to myself as a bookkeeper. It has taken me a lot of years to be able to say that I am an accountant. However, the first question I usually get when people find out what I do is "Do you have your CPA?" and I hate responding no. Because what I really want to say is "Well, I have my accounting degree and my MBA and I do bookkeeping, taxes, auditing, and financial planning, so there." But deep down inside, I always felt like a fraud.
But times, they are a-changin'.
Now that I am officially in my thirties, have been married for almost 8 years and we have our own house and family, I feel like a REAL woman.
Now that I have 4 children who have turned out pretty well (so far) I feel like a REAL mother.
Now that I have run a half marathon in a great time, I feel like a REAL runner.
Now that I am managing the office I work at, taking all the client meetings, handling all the tax prep work, and bringing in new clientele, I feel like a REAL accountant.
And when someone pays me a compliment, I am trying to give them a REAL thank you.
As much as I loved my twenties, it looks like the thirties are going to be a decade full of growth and confidence, and that makes me REALLY excited.