Saturday, March 29, 2014

Dear Baby..

Dear Baby Martini,
 
   Well, well, well, it's finally come to this.  Action needs to be taken upon your obvious default of our agreement.  Over nine months ago, I happily agreed to lease you a prime womb in our house, with the understanding that you would only stay for 9 months or less.  At the time, you implied you would probably be out of there around 8 and a half months.  You were excited, we were excited and we all happily signed on the dotted line.
 
   You became a troubling tenant right away, what with your nauseating ways and tiring outbursts.  But we persevered and knew that our time together was short and tried to make the most of it.  You came around  after a few months and started treating me a lot better.  We had a great 4 months or so, and got along like old chums. 
 
But then you began to act up again.  Every night when I went to sleep, you would start your wild partying.  There was so much dancing and bouncing around that I thought you were going to break dance right out.  Your terrible drinking habits had me up all night running to the bathroom, checking in on you.  And the bonfires you started late in the evenings left me desperate for relief.
 
As my kind husband reminded me, this lease was only for 9 months, and we were almost to the end, so I was able to pray my way through all your trouble making.  But then your moving day came...and went...and you still remained. 
 
I told you to vacate the premises, tried anything to get you to leave, and you wouldn't listen.  That was a week ago.  You are still here.  You are now officially a squatter.
 
And so, my little squatter, I had to take some serious measures and get the higher-ups involved.  It's official, you will be leaving your comfy womb on Friday.  No more Mrs. Nice Guy.
 
 
 
Of course, if you want to truly make amends, and leave on your own terms, in a quick and peaceful manner before then, that would be happily accepted.  Better start packing.
 
Sincerely,
 
   Your Tired Landlady
 
 

35 comments:

  1. Oh, you must be so tired! Prayers that baby comes much sooner than that! Were you sure on dates? That's so odd for a sixth baby to deviate so much! But clearly this little one is trying to make his or her mark in a big family :)

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  2. hilarious AND adorable.

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  3. I don't think there's any way baby will hold out that long, but seriously - doesn't this child know that THE ENTIRE INTERNET is waiting for the birth???

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    1. Right??? SHE must be quite an attention hog. ;) (I'm talking about the baby, not you, just so we're clear.)

      Sending up lots of prayers for a quick and easy birth BEFORE Friday. Hugs, Colleen.

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  4. This is perfect! Come on, baby! As an attorney, I advise tenant Baby to peacefully resolve matters ASAP ;)

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  5. Surely that will get her moving!!!!

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  6. Oh my gosh Colleen I would be on CNN holding up a 7-11 at this point. You are so tough. If I may be a tad indelicate...did you try getting baby out...they way you got baby in? That sometimes works...don't ask me how I know...I just do. Praying for you!

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  7. Hilarious! Praying that baby comes out on his/her own before then. (massaging breasts works like magic for me, so weird I know, but maybe your hubby can give that a try)

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  8. Oh my gosh, this is exactly how I feel now! I technically have until April 8th as the last possible date of pregnancy (when I will be TWO WEEKS over-due), but my husband and I were just talking, and if we're going to need to take matters into our own hands, Friday will probably be the day...good luck!!

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  9. This was maybe my favorite letter to a baby ever. Little Martini... it's time to come out now!

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  10. Uh-oh, it just got REAL up in this joint. Baby, you have been served!

    Lady, you know I feel that letter!! I hope Martini is born on Queen Bess' birthday, the 31st . . . . that's when all the stubborn girls are born. ;-)

    Or maybe it will be an April 1st baby! And my mom's birthday is April 3rd, but I do hope Martini is here sooner than that. Like maybe tonight . . .

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  11. Can I just sign "ditto" to what Rosie said? M'kay. Thanks.

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  12. Love the notice beyond all measure and hope you are holding Baby Martini in your arms well before the official date of eviction.

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  13. You, my friend, are a rockstar. And, your baby is so very lucky to have you as his/her mom. I cannot imagine the anticipation in so many ways (relief, excitement, fear, etc...). I am praying for you and so confident your midwife/doctor will do whatever needs be to get you/your baby where you need to be when you need to be there. Love to the Martins!

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  14. Does it baffle you that your baby is likely to be an April baby instead of March? It took me DAYS to accept that I'd have a February baby since all along I thought March! Can't wait to see pics of your little one!

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  15. I really shouldn't laugh, but this was hilarious. You are way too kind to that squatter of yours with giving him/her a bit more time on their eviction. And you are a brave, brave woman to hold out and keep on offering rent a while longer. I was 11 days overdue with Lily, but she was my first so I didn't know any better. If she had been my 6th, I so would've kicked her out sooner.
    I must say though, you still look amazing!!! How is your skin just beautiful, you looking all Sweeney sweet and your nails perfect? Holy envy right here.
    And your dad oblivious and reading in the background, I couldn't help but chuckle. lol.
    Perhaps Martini will be a little prankster and decide that April Fools Day would have the best effective day to finish her/his little plan. :)
    Praying, praying, praying. And sending much love.

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  16. What Rosie said! Praying for you and Baby Martini.

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  17. AHHHHH too funny! (well, in a not so funny kind of way)
    Yikes, that one is already a stinker! BUT at least baby M's birthstone is a diamond… so Phil should get you a huge one ;)

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    1. Brilliant idea on the diamond!

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  18. Maybe she is holding out for an April diamond birthstone? I really hope baby comes sooner, but if not, April 3 is a GREAT birthday to have. (wink wink)

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  19. Your squatter must be very very comfy in his/hers abode. Wishing you all the best this week…and mostly wishing you some rest.
    XOXO

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  20. So Friday is the light at the end of the tunnel. And bonus: my daughter's birthday is Friday! Ok not so much a bonus for you. Fingers crossed that the baby gets your memo and bounces out of that womb.

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  21. This is so funny, Colleen! So so funny. Good luck to you and your squishy little squatter!

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  22. This is so exciting...
    Like Nella said...get that baby out the way that baby got in!!ha...April is the best birthday month...mine and Colettes!

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  23. I remember Heather of Dooce.Com taping an eviction notice to her baby belly before her daughter Leta was born.

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  24. I definitely think you're having a girl now... SK was due in March but she came on April 6th. I think she was holding out for that diamond birthstone!

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  25. Holy cow!!! I have been out of the loop way too long!!! That's what happens when I stop blogging...Praying for you and baby!!! xoxo

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  26. Can't wait to hear more about your good news!

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  27. Can't wait to hear more about your good news!

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  28. Oh Colleen I am so sorry. I can't believe the rest were early?! Praying for you and hoping you are in labor RIGHT NOW!!!!

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  29. What a stubborn little baby! My #6 was late also. It's crazy how that happens!

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  30. Hilarious...
    Maybe baby will be born in April .
    imagine all the april fools pranks?

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  31. All 4 of mine had to be induced!! Hoping you go into labor this week - maybe the threat of eviction will get that baby to move into the outside world!!

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  32. My little stubborn one was a girl .She wasn't coming until she was good and ready ,even though I was so ready.

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