This past Saturday, I was able to attend a women's Advent retreat on the Cape from 9am - 2pm. The day included Mass, Confession, Adoration, and talks from Danielle Bean and Allison Gingras. Over 200 women attended! It was quite impressive to see so many women, in all stages of life, who made it a priority to sneak away on a Saturday in a busy holiday season. We all know who the "merry makers" are in the house, and it's tough to be able to pull yourself away from all those demands. However, we can not pour from an empty cup, and every once in awhile it is so good to get a chance to fill our own cup.
The night before the retreat, I was thinking of how many things I had on my to-do list and making sure Phil knew what he needed to be doing the next day while I was away. Four of our kids had basketball practice, the meal planning and grocery shopping needed to be done for the week, and a baked ziti had to be cooked for the volleyball banquet happening that evening. Phil is literally the best, willing to help out and take on any role to support his family, and yet I started to feel overwhelmed because of the the mental load I always carry. I'm always worried about the health and happiness of each of my kids, the state of our finances, the lists of things to do, calendars I keep, gifts to be bought, celebrations to be planned, and on and on. I told Phil that I just feel like I need one day a week where I don't go to work, and I can instead focus on our home and family needs, but we can't afford that. We are just so busy all the time, constantly thinking that it will settle down after this season, or after that holiday, and yet it never does. I don't want less kids, or kids who aren't involved in activities that make them happy (and we only allow one sport/team per season per kid) but I wouldn't mind a wife, ya know? Someone else who can do the worrying and planning and overthinking and I'll just focus on the tasks she tells me to accomplish.
Needless to say, I went into this retreat feeling a bit bad because I had unloaded a lot on Phil when all he was trying to do was help. In the car on the way to the retreat, one of my friends told the story of how she also had a huge mental load and her husband said to her "Don't worry, everything always works out" and she replied "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT ALWAYS WORKS OUT??" and we all laughed because we felt the same way. The first talk of Danielle's was about being still and being a mom of eight children, she understands how hard that is to put into practice. She told a story of a phone call she received from her sister, who was complaining to her husband about her list of everything needing to be done before Christmas, and her husband said "Don't worry, everything always works out" and her sister said exasperated "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT ALWAYS WORKS OUT?" and everybody laughed, especially my friends and I who just had that identical conversation in the car.
Danielle also mentioned in her talk that so many women greet each other and ask "How are you?" and the response is "Busy! How are you?" and they hear "Same, so busy!" back. Guilty as charged on that one! Danielle said we shouldn't be priding ourselves on how busy we are. Being busy is not a virtue. I got chills when she said that. Then she read the story of Mary and Martha from the Bible, where Martha was busy hosting Jesus at her home, and Mary was sitting with Jesus listening to His Word. Martha told Jesus to tell Mary to help her out, and Jesus said that Mary had chosen the better part. Oh how that particular bible story always annoys me, because it feels like Martha has valid complaints and Jesus basically tells her "Don't worry it will all work out" and I always want to scream "Somebody has to cook the food and clean the house for guests! We can't all just be sitting around!" But I am missing the point, because yes, the meal does need to be cooked and yes, the house does need to be presentable, but if we are only focused on the to-do list then we aren't enjoying the reason we are hosting in the first place - the people. We will miss the connections, the stories, the loving memories of the day and go to bed angry over all the hard work we did that nobody seemed to notice.
There is always a list of things that need to be done. There are always kids that need to be driven around. There will always be hungry mouths to feed, hugs to be given, ears needed to listen. But if we can never lean into our role and embrace it and take moments to be still, then what is the point of all the busyness? Yes everything still needs to get done, but our focus shifts from the list to the relationships. And isn't it when a friend invites us over to their not-perfectly-clean house that we feel like they are really our friend? Danielle challenged us to take just five minutes in silent prayer with God each day. Everybody has five minutes, and once that feels easy, the time can be extended. Five minutes to fill our cup. A relationship with somebody we never talk to is not a good relationship, she reminded us. So I will embrace a daily five minute retreat to fill my own heart with God's love, so that I can go out and fill the needs of everyone God has placed in my life. Responding to situations with patience and understanding instead of anger and frustration. He is in charge, not me, and I will try to choose the better part and trust God and know why it always seems to work out.
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