Notes from the Couch, Part One

We have been watching the Olympics a lot.  A lot a lot a lot.  We are watching at home and recording to watch with the kids the next day.  I go to the gym, it's on tv.  I watch the news, it's Olympics recaps.  I can't check my phone because TMZ is trying to spoil my Olympics watching by telling me who wins in real time.  I may as well be in the Olympics if they had a spectator category because I think I would medal at Olympic watching.  I'm that good.

Now for my notes from the couch.

1) A word to the American women who play beach volleyball (I'm looking at you Misty and Kerri).  I love that it is chilly enough in England that you have to wear these shirts:

 in place of the skimpy bikinis you usually wear:

 However, could you please wear bottoms that cover more than your, ahem, bottoms?  

Like these Australian women, perhaps (minus the sports-bra-over-the-shirt look):

 If you have to adjust your briefs after every play, then THEY ARE TOO SMALL!!

The men can play like this:

So I'm sure more clothing won't impede your talent.

2) Michael Phelps.  You poor thing.  You didn't even know what to say after you came in 4th place in the 400 IM:

But victory sure was sweet for your teammate, Ryan Lochte:

I mean he's cute, he's handsome, and he's good-looking.

Oh, and he's talented.

I'm glad he finally gets a chance to shine after being in Phelp's shadows all these years.
I got your back, Ry Ry:

Hey, thanks, girl.

Phelps, you can still get 3 medals to be the top decorated Olympian ever, just don't do it at Lochte's expense, ok?

3) What would ever, ever, ever compel someone to ride a bike for over 5 hours?  I take one spinning class and can't walk right for 3 days.  How do these guys do it?

And it's not only being on the bike for that long.  It's being on a bike for that long and staring at another guy's bum the whole time:

Plus look at what happens to your legs!!!  Here is Robert Foerstemann of Germany:

I'm all for muscular legs, but oy vey!

4) How about the Opening Ceremony?  I thought it was pretty good.  Lots of stuff going on, and the English highlighted what they were the most proud of, which, turns out, is the stuff nightmares are made of: 

healthcare:

and big babies:

The dancing and music were seriously fun.  

But then the Americans outfits:

U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi.  

I'm no fashion diva, but I think Ralph Lauren could have given them something more updated and simple.  And maybe actually made the American outfits on American soil.  Oops!  Small oversight, I guess.

Stay tuned for more Olympic insights from your untalented Olympic spectator's notes from the couch.