Normally my state of mind is like this:
But lately, not so much. Call it summer burnout, call it back to school busy schedules, call it that time of the month when everything feels overwhelmingly overwhelming, call it bad news that keeps trickling in, call it life currently.
If you've been reading here for awhile, you will know that our friend Jean passed away this summer. She was one of the holiest women I have ever known and I pray for/to her daily. One of our last conversations was on the night of the July 4th fireworks, as we were sitting on the deck at a friend's house and Jean was listening to me complain that my kids weren't really doing their share around the house, and I was wiped out.
My summer schedule was as follows:
6am: Wake up and walk the dog with Phil for four miles, mostly to get steps + time to talk, but also because the dog won't walk in the heat of day.
8am - 3pm: Work at my accounting job (normally 8 - 4 the rest of the year) which includes an hour lunch break on which I drive to the gym, run 3 miles or sometimes lift weights, shower and drive back.
3pm: Drive home and pick up little kids at camps, if it is a camp week.
3:30pm: Cook dinner. Yup, pretty much every night there is a home cooked, balanced, albeit simple meal made for all nine of us even though everyone eats at different times depending on their schedules. The night shift at the shop starts at 4:30 so it's a bonus if I can have it ready before then.
Evenings are for taking the kids to a pool/beach /park if they were stuck at home that day, loads of laundry, cleaning, prepping for the next day, doing work for the shop (ordering, bills, shopping, cooking) and eventually watching tv in bed until I fall asleep.
Phil worked at The Cottage six days a week and tried to take Sundays off so we can be together as a family. That means I am home with the kids on Saturdays alone and feel pressured to spend quality time with the kids plus clean the whole house and run errands, meal plan and get groceries so that Sunday can be a fun day when Phil's off work. Phil does more than his fair share around the house (no complaints there) but I want him not to have to do much on his one day off each week.
Let me point out - none of this makes me special. So many moms have a lot to juggle physically and mentally when it comes to raising a family and also being a breadwinner. So many dads have a lot of weight on their shoulders to provide for their family and also be present and available to their wife and kids. We're all busy. We're all burned out. And we keep thinking "Oh when summer's over or when this sport ends, it will get easier" but it never seems to get any easier, you know?
In our case, it feels like Phil and I are going at max capacity and we need the kids to help out more. I have a guilt that comes along with having a big family that was our choice, not their choice, and I never want them to feel like they had to be little moms and dads, raising their siblings. They always had chores to do because they are members of our household, but we are definitely slacking in enforcing the chores and consequences of not doing them with our last three kids. We also never really upped the ante for the big kids when it comes to helping out around the house. Nobody can cook a meal for the family, nobody cleans the house without being asked, nobody puts in an extra load of laundry on their own, etc. etc. Often times it takes me reaching a breaking point (aka mom's yelling so look busy!) before everyone starts running around picking things up.
It has become complicated since the ice cream shop opened last summer because our older kids who work there feel like they are helping us out, which they are since they can manage the store for us at night, but yet they are actually just employees who get paid. If they had a job anywhere else, they would be getting paid and not feel like they were doing US a favor somehow. So if I ask a big kid to throw in a laundry for me, I get pushback sometimes about "I work at the shop so much and then I have to come home and do chores" since we are their "supervisors" at home and work.
Last night, for example, Phil had a Back to School night and I went to watch Eamon's soccer game straight from work, then I had to bring Declan to his soccer practice, and when I came home at 7:30 there were dishes in the sink (from a dinner of chicken fajitas that Phil had cooked for everyone before he left) and crumbs on the table and the dog needed to go out and obviously nobody did a load of laundry and everyone has an excuse about why they can't help. JP is studying for MCATs and Andrew is in Austria and Eamon and Maggie had sports games/practices and are now doing homework, and Xander didn't know that he was supposed to do anything because nobody told him, and Brendan is only 8. But like how is a mom not supposed to lose her mind when she's been going, going, going all day and then comes home to that mess?
No really, I want to know.
How am I supposed to not lose my mind because it feels imminent.
Which brings us back to the night of chatting with Jean. She told me that one of her friends who was a mom got fed up and told her family that she QUIT for a week. For one whole week, she didn't cook or clean or run errands or do laundry until they all realized just how much she did on a daily basis and started helping out more.
I keep fantasizing about it.
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Could I do that? How disgusting would my house be after that week though? I would still have to be a chauffeur, no getting out of that. What is really making it seem impossible is that Phil would just be the one picking up all the slack, which isn't fair or the point I'm trying to make to the kids. So do we both quit? Then of course, that would feel like horrible parenting so we can't. But at what point is it okay for a mom and a dad to feel like they can take time for themselves without being selfish? Does anyone have any helpful advice? I'm open to anything since what we are doing now is not working.
The plan for now is that Phil wants to call a family meeting and instill a chore chart that has daily and weekly chores for everyone. He says if the kids don't do the chores than they can pay us rent. I have no idea how wee Brendan will come up with rent money so chores it is :)
I actually feel better just getting this off my chest, so thanks for reading, you guys are cheaper than therapy!
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