Feeling Like I'm Done

What's the most blasphemous phrase for a Catholic mom to utter?  I used to think it was the answer of "I'm done!" to the question of having more children. 

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Unless we physically can't bear any more babies, or have been instructed by medical professionals that we shouldn't try again, we are supposed to be open to the possibility of a new baby.  Even in  our later fertile years.  Even if we already have a gaggle of children.  We might feel like we want to be done, but know that we probably shouldn't say that.  Though we can do our part to try and avoid a pregnancy, the truth is that if we are loving our spouses and not contracepting, we may not be done until the Menopausal Lady sings.

My mom had her 5th baby (me) at age 42 and her 6th baby at age 44.  I am 38.  Do the math and if I'm anything like my mother (and I am) I could still have a couple more pregnancies in this old body.

The thing is that the thought of having another baby doesn't freak me out like it did after I had my first four babies in five years.  I've totally come around to trust that God provides for us the most when an unexpected pregnancy occurs.  Being open to life via having another baby is like tithing for me - you give more than you think you can afford and are blessed for it. 

I'm not even in a bad place physically or mentally to get pregnant, meaning I'm pretty healthy and have no medical reasons to try and avoid.  My youngest baby is almost 18 months old, and the older kids are so great at helping out with the little ones that welcoming a new baby home into this big family hardly feels like a big deal at all. 

But, but, but. 

{I just kinda feel done.}

My husband feels the same way.  We don't feel at all the urge to have another baby nor do we think that God is calling us to it.  Our plates are full.  Our financial state has always been totally maxed out, even though somehow it all works out.  One of my older kids, when he heard a family member ask me when #8 was coming, replied "Wait, just how many siblings am I going to have?"  He feels like we're done too ;) 

And I know, I KNOW, that this is just how we feel RIGHT NOW.  Time has a funny way of changing hearts and opening closed doors.  But I'm learning that saying that right now I feel like I'm done having babies may not be the worst sin ever, even though younger Colleen would have thought so.  Younger Colleen only had a couple of kids, Older Colleen has seven :)  Older Colleen is much better at looking at the whole family picture and seeing the needs of everyone in it.   I can also look around and realize that every family has "the baby" and has had to discern when their family feels complete.   Perhaps it's just a natural process that occurs after having the family that God has called you to have.  The feeling of being finished is like a peaceful sign from above that you've done your part.  You've run the good race and fought the good fight and can step out of the ring. 

I'm sad to say that I used to view God as more of the Old-Testament-plague-giving type of judge who wanted me to suffer to earn eternal life, you know, Fear of God and all that.  I'm happy to share that I have grown to see Him as a faithful and LOVING father who uses my suffering for good and to whom I can tell anything, even my feelings.

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And while I'm still living open to any life that comes along in the future, I'm trying to focus for now on being open to the needs of all the lives entrusted to me in the present.