Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Why I Could Never Get an Answer

So y'all know that we love and have always used Natural Family Planning in our marriage.  Well sometimes I hate it, but mostly I love it.  

I love that it's completely natural for my body, it is green for the environment, it is in agreement with the teachings of the Catholic church, and it's leaves the possibility of new babies open for discussion since nothing permanent is ever "fixed".  

(Side note: How can you "fix" something that isn't broken?  Like a man or woman's healthy reproductive system? How can you "take care of" a problem that isn't there? Like a body's natural fertility?)

But back to the point at hand.

One of the biggest spiritual struggles I have in my role as a wife and mother is knowing when we have grave reason to use NFP, or when we don’t.  I have asked many, many people this question, and never seem to get a direct answer. 

When Phil and I made our marriage vows, we promised to accept children lovingly from God.  That means that we don’t do anything to artificially get in the way of God creating life.  We also don’t play God and try to create life outside of His design.  Therefore we do not contracept and we do not use In Vitro Fertilization or a surrogate in order to have a baby.  We truly believe that babies are blessings and gifts, and not deserved. 

We have been fortunate to have conceived so easily in the past, and I am well aware of the pain caused by infertility.  I do not know why God has chosen to spare us with that cross, but do know that we all have our own cross to carry. 

Since we have been super fertile and have used NFP to space all of our children (some more successfully than others!), I find myself in a constant state of worry that we are trying to space those children for a good reason, and not for selfish motives.  Luckily my wise and much less emotionally charged husband often can list off the reasons why we are justified in using NFP at the moment.

 I just think it would be so much easier if God would just let me know the answer.  If only He could say “My dear Colleen, for the next year, you would be wise to save a little money and rest your body before a sixth pregnancy.  But then in March 2013, you should begin trying.  That baby will be a boy, and when you try again in 2015, you will have a little girl, who will complete your family.”  Great!  No problem!  Then I would have a game plan from the Master Planner, and stop worrying about making my own.  

(I do understand that this is the point of faith ~ to trust that God is in charge even when we feel like we haven't been included in the memo.  I'm just a slow learner!)

So whenever I come across a priest I respect, I often ask him to tell me if I should have another child.  “Just tell me what I should do, and I’ll do it”, I say, or “How am I ever going to know when we are done growing our family?”  Inevitably, Father will say that he can not make that decision for me.  That it is a decision to be made prayerfully between a husband, a wife, and God alone.  I would always end up frustrated that nobody was giving me an answer.

Just recently I realized the reason why I couldn’t get an answer for exactly what to do and when.   It's because the reasons (our reasons) for using NFP to postpone pregnancies are constantly changing. 

At the beginning of our marriage, we used NFP to postpone having a baby until Phil was finished with graduate school (John-Paul wasn’t aware of that plan, and came 9 months later!).  Then we decided to use NFP to space out babies two and three because of financial reasons (some came a little closer than we had expected).  After having three babies in four years, our reason for waiting for baby number four was that I was so tired and overwhelmed (and we were still financially barely paying our bills).   

Well, that fourth baby came waaaaaay sooner than we had planned, but was more than we could have ever hoped for.  After Maggie’s arrival, I definitely told Phil that I was “done”.  Done having kids, done being worried about money, done being exhausted all the time raising a 4 year old, a 2 year old, a 1 year old, and a newborn, and done relying on our failed attempts at NFP. 

Not wanting to resort to using contraception, we just abstained.  For a long time...poor Phil could probably tell you exactly how many months, weeks, days, hours and minutes!   After a while, we very cautiously started using NFP again.  And this time we sorta kinda had it finally figured out.  

And then you’ll never guess what happened?  God changed my heart little by little, the kids got older,  and I started to get baby crazy.  Alexander was an answered prayer.  And having such an easy baby after a long space of 3.5 years has made me realize that I don't need to postpone having another baby for the reasons of physical or mental exhaustion right now.  Something I never thought I would say when I was back in the trenches raising two toddlers and two babies.

Now, if Phil had gotten snipped or if I had gotten my tubes tied right after Maggie was born, when I was sure that I was done, we would never have even had the discussion of having a fifth baby.  And that is the beauty of NFP…there’s always a discussion going.  One between you and your spouse about when date nights are (or aren't) going to be, and one between God and us about why we are using NFP at the moment.  

And we need these frequent conversations because the reasons are always changing and evolving.  

Just like us.


11 comments:

  1. After every baby, we're "done". Then God starts changing our hearts, everrrrr sooooo slooooowly. First it's just the willingness to maybe be "not done". Then it's the willingness to open up to God's plan. Then it's the actual desire to have another baby.

    Then it's the positive pregnancy test and the "Dear God, what have we done?" freakout that I have with every baby. But that's a whole other topic, isn't it?

    Anyway, I love this post. I love that our Faith expects us to use our gift of reason and self-control and doesn't just allow us to mindlessly abandon ourselves to our body's urges.

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  2. After every baby, we're "done". Then God starts changing our hearts, everrrrr sooooo slooooowly. First it's just the willingness to maybe be "not done". Then it's the willingness to open up to God's plan. Then it's the actual desire to have another baby.

    Then it's the positive pregnancy test and the "Dear God, what have we done?" freakout that I have with every baby. But that's a whole other topic, isn't it?

    Anyway, I love this post. I love that our Faith expects us to use our gift of reason and self-control and doesn't just allow us to mindlessly abandon ourselves to our body's urges.

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  3. I really thought this post was going to end with a little announcement and ultrasound picture. :) Love this post Colleen!

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  4. I LUB NFP. We have been so blessed.
    It was a hard hard battle though. Not between my hubby and me and God....but the rest of the world. Not one word of congratulations after we announced the coming of our 3rd child. AND IT WAS AN ATROCITY to have a 4th. AND then to have a baby at "my age" had many tsk tsk-ing and shaking their
    heads.
    This is just family.
    I am so thankful we have been open to life....it is hard but the blessings when the siblings are laughing and enjoying each other is priceless.

    NFP keeps hearts open.

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  5. Oh I love that too...that constant discussion...that possibility...that closeness. I can't imagine living any other way.

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  6. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I also enjoyed Christine's comment. It's heartening to know that others understand what you're going through. God bless!

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  7. This was a good post. Our 5th is due next month and our oldest is only 5. Describing this stage of our lives as being "in the trenches" is an understatement! We are super bad at using NFP and are pretty much at the point where abstinence seems to be our only option. Maybe we can get by with some very, VERY strict NFP usage. We'll see...

    We will be sending our oldest to Kindergarten this fall so that will change things a little bit. I was very encouraged by your Catholic school post by the way. :)

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  8. Exactly! The openness and "conversation" between husband and wife is the key thing -- it's the same reason why there is no list of "serious" reasons to postpone pregnancy that is published by the Church. It has to be up to the couple to decide the state of their marriage and their readiness to welcome another baby.

    I just met a woman who is young (20s) and has 2 children, and they are undecided about whether to try for another baby right now, so her husband said he would go get a vasectomy. She asked me if I thought she was crazy to just want to wait but not permanently close off the possibility of more kids. OF COURSE it's not crazy to wait and see if you are being called to have another baby. Don't rush to do something permanent or drastic -- just wait.

    One of the biggest misconceptions I've encountered about the Catholic Church is that it requires women to keep having babies until we either wear out or shrivel up. No, wrong. The only thing the Church asks is that we remain open. That's it. And the only reason the Church asks it, is because that what God asks.

    Pray, and then give God time to answer you.

    And Shelly - yes, my dear, you are in the trenches!! All the mamas of babies all bunched together hear you and have your back in prayer!

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  9. so I guess this means you are trying again for number 6?

    i think its scary when you get up to the 4s and 5s and above because fewer and fewer of your friends are with you and are done at 2 so you feel much more alone in your struggle. Then the world is telling you how crazy you are for considering more etc...

    this is simply my opinion and not "the answer" but as long as you have a roof over your head and food and clothes and getting pregnant won't literally kill you then there is always room for one more baby. If you don't have a home and food and clothes and your life is risked somehow and you end up pregnant anyway despite nfp, god provides or takes care of you somehow anyway. I would put some space between kids tho if you can just because it gives your body a rest to go through pregnancy again.

    disregrad if you disagree--just my op.

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  10. So glad you found MY blog so I could come over and enjoy yours! What a fantastic post. I can't tell you how it speaks to me, now approaching our baby's second birthday, the only time we've had a two year old and not had another on the way.

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  11. AnonymousMay 23, 2012

    I stumbled upon your blog by chance. I also struggle with the concern of when is it a grave reason...I feel that many of nfpers use it as contraception. Thanks for your honesty! God will always provide for us!

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