Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Why I'm Still Not on Facebook

Disclaimer: I used to be on Facebook for a short period of time.  


I remember joining during a Christmas break when we were visiting Phil's family and I figured "why not?"  I started finding and requesting friends and was having lots of fun until I saw my ex-boyfriend's name on another friend's list.  I thought to myself, well, I'll be mature about this and ask to be friends and maybe the guilt I still carry from breaking off that 3 year relationship can finally go away.  When I requested his friendship on Facebook, he replied "you've got to be kidding me."  Ouch.  

But life went on and I was discovering so many of my old high school friends, and I loved seeing what they were up to and reconnecting.  I was spending a lot of time on Facebook, but it was Christmas break after all and I had nothing much else to do.

Soon those fun and friendly findings turned into a nosy and voyeuristic temptation.  I secretly delighted in seeing that the mean popular girls from high school had turned out to be not the happiest of people (shocker!) and that the sweet little wallflowers seemed happily married with children.  I would see pictures from someone's home or vacation and find myself feeling jealous that they were living it up.  I was constantly trying to raise the number of friends I had and spent time searching people out.  So much time.


I realize this makes me sound like a crazy person.  But maybe you can relate a little too.  Facebook just isn't good for me.  My personality and my insecurities and my temptation to be nosy and spend too much time worrying about people who don't care about me led me to actually walk away from FB feeling pretty miserable each time I used it.  Phil has never cared for Facebook at all.  He sees his students getting so wrapped up in their online status that they aren't enjoying real life and living in the moment.  A lot of divorces have occurred in which Facebook was cited in the divorce petition.  He would tell me that life does happen even if we don't proclaim every action to the Internet.  

So I quit.  And I never looked back.

This shirt would make things a lot easier.

Now, I know that so many people can use Facebook and Twitter and blogging and Instagram and whatever else is out there and handle it well.  These social medias actually improve their life and allow them to converse with friends and keep in touch with relatives.  I just know that for me, Facebook and the like are a major waste of time and play up all my temptations and vices.  Blogging is the one social media tool that actually makes me feel so good when I use it.  It's cathartic for me to write, and I love reading what's going on with the blogger friends I have.  Sometimes I can even get too wrapped up in the blogworld and spend to much time there, and I have to refocus my priorities.  


Besides my own personal problems with using the social media, Facebook has other problems as well.  So, although there are many times where I feel I probably miss out on a good announcement, or sale, or giveaway, or birthday reminder by not being on FB, I know that for me, the happiness I have from staying away far outweighs those perks.  

49 comments:

  1. Not on Facebook either Colleen... I just get on long enough to creep on Madison's stuff. Besides, Blogging is the new Facebook... ; )

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    1. I think if Phil ever allows our kids to go on FB when they are older, I will need to get an account to keep tabs on them. Because that's what good mamas do, right?

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    2. That is the ONLY reason I'm on: because I have grown kids. I like looking at their pages periodically, and they like it when they see I've "liked" one of their pictures, because they know I'm checking up on them. In so many ways, I dislike Facebook--a lot. I think it sucks up too much time, if you let it. (And if you're a conservative, the liberal rants some people post on there kind of make your blood boil!) I actually gave it up for Lent, and it was great. But ultimately, I can't make myself give it up forever...but only because of my kids.

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    3. Oh you won't need your own account! I just go on hers...it works out great...unless of course someone sends her a chat message while I am on it...then I freeze like a deer in the headlights trying to decide what to do ...like I'm not a mature 43 year old mother or something. Anyway she is fine with it...in fact she loves to ask my help and opinions on things. She also loves to post pics of Flynn. : )

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  2. I almost envy your ability to stay off of Facebook! I was prepared to give it up entirely about a year ago, but my family quickly revolted. I was pregnant then and they knew that meant the new baby's face would not grace their news feed as often as they hoped. So I went about trying to find a new way to share photos... there are of course plenty of options, but nothing as easily accessible. SO here I am, still on facebook. I did delete about 300 friends... which was awesome. I would say about 25 have requested me back, and I usually say yes and then pray they never ask why I defriended them in the first place (ummm because I never talk to you?!?).

    Anywho - I've learned to have a somewhat healthy-ish relationship with Facebook. I'm on it a lot and I check it all the time, but it's usually just a mindless exercise. I've broken myself of the gossip side of it. I rarely sit there and pine over other people's lives like I use to (which is what was prompting me to get off of it). So now I just need to cut back on the time aspect... someday!

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    1. So many people have a healthy relationship with FB, I just can't. I've realized that if something tempts me to sin then I need to cut it out. (Insert Bible verse) I have many more things to cut out, and FB was not that hard to let go. Now I need to reduce TV and magazines and pray more!!!! Oy vey.

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    2. Colleen, I used that exact scripture verse to explain why I got off facebook to a friend! Facebook is just so bad for me. It's funny that you mentioned that facebook has been cited in divorce papers, because I witnessed the breakup of parents of one of my former students on facebook. It was awful! These people had three beautiful little kids and a seemingly perfect life. They're both really public figures (both news anchors) and they had this all out facebook war with each other revealing the husband's adultery, etc. It was sickening to watch so I blocked them from my feed and then I eventually defriended them because I didn't want to participate in any way in that travesty. Those poor kids!

      I just don't like seeing what facebook does to people and consequently what it does to me. I would judge people for their incessant self-promotion and smug humble-bragging, but then I would spend the time I wasn't on facebook trying to come up with a clever status that would certainly get a bunch of likes and comments. I hate the political fights that go on and on and everyone is hunkered in their corner lobbing articles at each other (because right or wrong, you can find ANYTHING on the internet to back up your position). I hate the changing of profile pictures to symbols indicating your position on the current hot button issue of the day. I hate the lack of effort put into the grammatical construction, spelling and punctuation of peoples' status updates. Sorry, it' bugs me!

      So basically, I'm an old woman who wrings her hands in despair when beholding facebook crying "What is the world coming to?!?!" I know, I'm so not cool ;)

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    3. Ellen, you and my husband were born in the wrong century :) Maybe that's why I love you both!

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  3. My thoughts exactly. I have never been on facebook. I wouldn't feel bad about breaking off a 3 year thing--it wasn't meant to be. I have had other long term relationships too before my husband and that is one reason why I don't facebook. I don't want to deal with the other men. I don't see any good things coming out of rekindling old romances despite what others say about facebook. People broke up for reasons and they do not a new reason to re-friend. Now, my husband is a facebooker and it is a constant source of debate between us. I think its a major waste of time. He could be doing so many other things besides that but he argues its a good thing to meet up with old friends and how great it is blah blah blah. But I see no reason why you have to be friends with a past romance ( he has a few old flames on there and I am bothered by it! Of course I see what they are saying/posts but why even is there a need to be friends with a past romance?). Nothing good in that idea at all. I see facebook as not moving on with life. I see it as fake reality. He also says though that he uses it for business relationships--which he does. he has gotten out a few positive business related things, but still---overall I think facebook has more potential for harm than good. I am 100% with you on this one!

    Blogging also has the tendency to be used for voyeurism. But the people I read these days I read only because I truly care for them and their families or I read informative blogs, faith blogs or cooking blogs etc.

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    1. I think if my husband was on FB, I would have a hard time not being on there too! You're stronger than I!! I agree about the blogging, I just try to read the ones that inspire me or make me laugh and not get too tied up with it all.

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    2. with your husbands --well you can agree that the account is a mutual account and I have access to everything.

      and as far as teens, you don't need an actual account. I have my dd's password an all account info on everything and she knows I check her stuff all the time. I have her computer too and can check history. My kids will get private lives when they move out.

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  4. I'm on there, but honestly, a few years back I deleted most everyone that I don't actively still talk to. Like, all the cool people in high school who had friended me but were never actually my friend in high school? Yeah.. those people I deleted, because I wasn't ever their friend.

    I do really like facebook, because for me, it's how I now share pictures of Annamarie with my family since I no longer live by any of them. And I belong to a large number of groups for my doll making and sewing things.

    I do see how it can become bad for many people though.

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    1. Most of my siblings aren't on there, or my parents, so that makes it easier for me to not have that family "pull" to be on. I do know it's a good way to advertise and reach a lot of people, so I'm sure it's a smart business move for you :)

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  5. I love this!!! I've had a terrible relationship with Facebook! I think it brings out the worst in people, myself included. I've tried deactivating my account, but u always come back to it. I have lots of far flung family I like to keep up with. However, I've weeded out tons of friends- I have no shame de-friending and I mostly use it for my blog's FB page!

    You aren't missing anything!!!

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    1. Thanks for making me feel less crazy :)

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  6. Ugh, I think my comment was swallowed into the netherworld, so sorry if this is a repeat!

    I am also not a facebooker, and it is so hard the peer pressure that comes with that. Like you, I have nothing against and can see all the positive, but I also know where my weaknesses and temptations lie.

    This is a wonderful write up, in fact I have a similar one written in my head without all the cuteness you endowed it. So the next time someone asks me why I'm not on there, I will direct them to this. Thanks!

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    1. Thanks Rebekah, I love finding other people that aren't on FB and understand why I'm not. I always get the "Why aren't you on FB?" question and have a hard time responding without making them feel bad for being on it. It's just a tool that can be used for good, but not if you have my personality ;)

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  7. I adore the ownership you took over your decision to 'quit facebook'. As you might know, I am a HUGE fan of social networking in all forms. I love love love to give presentations to parents/teens/coworkers/etc...on the advantages of all things social media, and, in particular facebook. When I do those talks, I ONLY use church documents (letters on world media day) to talk about the advantages (turns out, the Church kind of things social media is necessary towards evangelization, which clearly, you rock via this blog). All that being said, I think there is a level of discernment necessary that includes pondering the outlet, your personality, the time you have, etc...when deciding how you will/will not engage in the digital media world. I love how you explained that you came to the conclusion that for YOU facebook was not a healthy thing. For me, it is like nails on a chalkboard when people criticize the tools of social media, rather than the abuses. Social media is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. It can be awesome if you used right, it can be really terrible if used wrong. I can't tell you how many people I have 'hidden' from my newsfeed, and how intentional I am about the things that I post/who's sites I check out/etc... For me, it has been a beautiful mode of evangelization (also, I totally dig it for sharing with my family/siblings/friends who all live states away). Much more to say, but kudos to you for deciding to stay off and for not vilifying a computer program...rather than how one uses that program!

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    1. Hi Mary, you write such nice comments! I agree that social media is a tool, and I'm just not a good carpenter. I know people like you can use it to spread good, so keep up the good work!

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  8. And, just two more things...my husband and I both have accounts, we access each others, nothing is 'hidden' in that world. Again, if marriages are breaking up because of facebook, it is because of the users, not because of a computer program. Responsible social media usage is awesome, necessary, fantastic, and a call from the Universal Church to each one of us (particularly the young!).
    Regarding Phil's students. One of the biggest tragedies occurring right now is that teens/preteens use social media with few to no adults navigating them through this world. We get frustrated when they don't know how to use it responsibly, but very adults (this is NOT an attack on Phil I promise) take the time to teach them through engaging/realistic and appropriate guidelines. One of my favorite things is after a 'social media' presentation at a youth conference, watching teens slowly change over their profiles, delete things, etc... It's part of the reason I am so passionate about appropriately using this mode of communication! And, I think, part of that story is letting young people know why you have decided not to use it, without vilifying the structure of social media. And this morning, Colleen, you rocked that out. (okay, I think I am done now, can you tell this is one of my passions!)

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  9. Oh boy... facebook... I have such a love/hate relationship with it. On one hand it helps me to keep in touch with far away family and helps keep me closer to Christ with Cathsorority. I've also had a number of my Protestant friends ask about Catholicism from me. I'm also hoping to plant seeds about NFP. But then I do suffer from envy and hurt feelings a lot of the time as well. Plus, it's a time suck and I feel like I'm neglecting my kids! I have to take breaks every once in awhile. Blogging also takes a lot of time as well... and sometimes I pour my heart and soul into a post and don't get any comments, so then I get self esteem issues! Sometimes I wish we could go back to simpler times... but then I wouldn't know some of the awesome people I've "met" through the internet!

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    1. It is so hard to find the balance. For me, blogging is good but FB is not. So that's what I do, but I can see the pull and attraction it has...very powerful! I read this quote on one of my favorite mom blogs yesterday, and your comment reminded me of it:

      http://www.memoriesoncloverlane.com/2013/05/encouragement-for-week.html

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  10. I love that you know yourself well enough to not be on Facebook. I do FB, but it's mostly to keep in touch with my huge and far-flung family. I don't friend every person who requests, which I'm sure makes me look like a you-know-what, but I don't care. I don't play any of the games or do the applications, and I also don't link my blog to FB, although lots of people do and it drives up their traffic. I am the most boring FB user alive.

    I feel about Twitter the way you feel about Facebook. I just don't have the time/patience for it. It's not for me, and I'm cool with it.

    Now, kids and FB? You do not even want to get me started on that. I am so opposed to it that I might as well be living in the Dark Ages.

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    1. It took me some anxiety and guilt to "know myself" but I'm thankful it's finally just starting to happen :)

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  11. I love this post. I am not on FB either and I'm so glad. I tried it and it just wasn't for me.
    I joined briefly in 2012 for about 6 months. There was a ton of pressure to join. At first, things were ok. I loved reconnecting w/ old high school and college friends. And, at first, I loved knowing what everyone was up to. BUT- very soon it became overwhelming for me. Here was my main issue (aside from what I thought was a lot of fakeness)... my issue is-- I have enough of my own thoughts going on in my own mind!! I cannot take on everyone else's too. I would constantly be thinking about other people's lives. Not in a bad way but just in a way like they were a friend I saw everyday or something.- I.E. "I wonder if Sally's kids got over the croup yet. Oh I've got to go get that recipe that Ann posted. Wow, I can't believe how great Betty's garden turned out! I love the Smith family's new car. I need to go look at photos from Bob's one year old's first birthday." Etc, Etc. Multiplied by 500 friends and I am constantly wrapped up in other people's lives. It was almost too much for my brain. I have enough thoughts in my own head! Of course I want to keep up w/ friends but the friends I am close to in real life I talk to or see. Then the election came... oy vey. Enough was enough. I couldn't take the constant stream of election chatter-- in fact, both liberals and conservatives were driving me nuts. I deleted my account a few months before the election. And it was like closing the door to a really noisy party going on in the next room. Ahhh peace. I know plenty of people who don't have these issues like I did. But, FOR ME, I just needed less input from the masses going into my mind. Does that sound crazy?

    This is a great post. I might do one on my blog too!

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    1. I love "it was like closing the door to a really noisy party going on in the next room". SO TRUE!! Your point is another reason that not being on FB makes me happy. It's much more peaceful and quiet now.

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  12. Well written and so very true. It used to sideline my entire life. But the negativity and hatefulness (plus all the sad stories and prayer requests) bogged me down to the point I was living in FBland. I still have it so I can share my blog posts but I rarely check it and it is only a matter of hours before I hear the big announcements from there anyway through friends and colleagues. And my teenage children HATE FB so they don't even have accounts which means I don't have to stalk it. ;)

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    1. I'm hoping that my kids will hate it too because maybe they will consider it "uncool" since everyone's parents are on it :)

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    2. Actually, FB is becoming uncool with teens because their moms and grandmas are all on there!

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  13. Amen! I actually *am* on Facebook, fairly new to it still. But there are so many things I hate about it. I don't know that I would check it at all except that I belong to a private prayer group with several gals from church, and I love that part of it. And I do appreciate being able to use it for my photography business. Other than that, it's not healthy for me. My husband doesn't like it at all either, so I am especially careful to be respectful of him and his thoughts about it. I don't have any "friends" who are male. I was even recently confronted by my brother-in-law {my sister's husband}, because he had requested friendship, and I didn't accept. He was very hurt, and it was difficult to explain, but . . . that's the way it is. I don't know, in my personal opinion, FB can do far more harm than good.

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    1. You are so good with your boundaries :)

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  14. Good for you! I have been weaning myself from Facebook. I am posting less frequently and reading even fewer friends' posts. What I suffered from was incredible guilt over "de-friending" someone (and I still haven't), but I have learned to "hide". I've come to the realization that I just don't have the time or energy for status updates that read, "Heading to Walmart...again" or "So and so is at Chipotle Mexican grill". Who the heck cares???!!!! I am so appalled at the anti-Catholic (direct) memes out there as well as any anti-Christian posts that I've just had to step away. I only post cute pics of my kiddos for the extended family and to read status updates from my Pastor who loves Pope Francis!!! HUGS!!!

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    1. My skin is too think for FB I think, which is yet another reason I need to be off of it. I couldn't take the anti-Catholic remarks. Hugs back!

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  15. Oh, I didn't have time to read all the comments...will later. I am on, started last summer to be able to see high school reunion pictures...they never even posted any!! I don't care about the number of friends...I really like keeping in touch with cousins and aunties far away, in other states, even in our own state, but far away. I've been able to see new babies, wedding pictures (California cousins) and my aunties can see my kiddos (they don't do blogs--I think the fake names would confuse them anyway--haha) I have NOT liked it for the petty stuff, like if I post something fun, one particular "friend" has to check if it's true on Snopes. Really? Who cares. And this particular friend "likes" other people's things, but never ever my stuff...bugs me. Hate it for that, those feelings it gives. Have to take a break from it, days go by and I'm not missing anything. I just found out after 9 mos on it that people can "message" me...had like 40 messages on there...oops!

    I'm sticking to my blog.

    You are the greatest Colleen. I've really liked getting to know you via blogging. Just wanted you to know that.

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    1. Jamie the feeling is 100% mutual!

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  16. I like facebook because of family. Get to see babies from far away.

    What I dont "like"..the politics got pretty nasty this last election and I defriended or unfriended relatives that were pro gay and pro choice. I am a fighter and it was going to get nasty if I kept seeing that stuff. I wanted to say something back...

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    1. Ah, Christine that's my dilemma always - fight or flight? It's hard to stand up and be a strong voice when everyone else "seems" to be on the other side, and also to do it charitably.

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  17. I held out on Facebook for all your reasons. I finally created an account and love it. For me it's because of all of you (bloggers). I was a cultural/cradle catholic and since my reversion I know few who actually live their faith loudly. Humph. So it's an awesome way to get connected to some amazing articles, bloggers, Memes, Events, inspiration and encouragement. I'm not friends with very many people from high school or college...because of that unhealthy thing you are talking about.
    Great post!

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    1. I think if I had only accepted real friends that I actually would like to be updated about, I would have liked it too! But I had to go ahead and see what everyone I've ever met was doing and it was too much. Nice boundaries :)

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  18. Ack. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. For all the reasons you listed. Such a dilemma to keep it around....esp. because of the facts surrounding that last picture ;/

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    1. That article was eye opening for me. Listen, this isn't a "get off FB!" post, this is just why I have a hard time using it. I am a very weak person when it comes to certain things (aren't we all??) and FB just brings out the worst in me.

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  19. I love it and I'm addicted! lol I have boundaries. Only friending people I know and I like. Not friends with patents or "elders" that only leads to trouble. Good for you though sticking to what works for you!

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  20. I think about getting rid of mine sometimes for those very reasons. The thing that gets me the most though is the hateful anti-Catholic comments. It makes me so sad.

    I just can't keep away though because I LOVE hearing the news about engagements, weddings, and babies, plus keeping up with all my out of town family!

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  21. "Martin family moments" should be on fb, not "Colleen"...then it would rock!

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  22. Well, you aren't missing much!
    haha it's great to see people's baby's pics or fun announcements but it is frustrating that people post such silly day to day things. So I just kind of scroll to quickly see things I care about.
    I know the world is moving that way, and I do understand how it is a social communication tool for things like Verily or non-profit groups, or even Catholic youth groups because so many people are on it, but it's too bad that it has replaced real communication for the younger generation.
    I sometimes go DAYS without getting on it or just check it at night for 5 minutes, but I stay on to see pics friends ask if I've seen ;). Bill, Andy, and Jessie aren't on it and don't feel like they are missing out on anything! So good for you!

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  23. This is such an interesting post. I'm on FB and I love it, but I can totally see how it is temptation or not a good thing for others. There are few online message boards that I used to be part of that were bringing me down, that I actually had to block in my computer so I would stay away.

    I'm pretty selective about who I'm friends with, I only have 3 friends from my high school on it and maybe another handful from college and my college friends are mostly people I knew from the Newman Club, so mostly all Catholics. Most of my friends are people I know or used to know IRL..and a few friends I've made over the internet. :) We've moved around a ton, so I've loved being able to use FB to keep up with people..who had a baby, etc, etc. If anyone is too political or posts too annoying things or too prolifically, I either unfriend them or block them. And, I don't have any guilt about it either.

    For me, I think it is a good thing, but I totally understand how for some people it could not be, as I've felt the same way about online message boards.

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  24. As always, love your honesty :).

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  25. I appreciate this a lot. I'm on Facebook and I struggle with the pros and cons every single day. I find it so hard to balance and sometimes I wonder if I should make the same decision as you. I give you a lot of credit for doing it because it must be hard sometimes!

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  26. Seriously, you're the most grown up social media user I know. I love that you were able to write this post even-handedly, without being tempted to look down on people who use more of it than you do.

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