Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Notes from the Gym

Worst picture of me ever.

This isn't a how-to-exercise post, or some encouragement to get fit.  
This is about all the crazies at the gym.

Like the man with the beard that keeps growing longer and longer and getting more disheveled by the day.  I think I saw a bird fly out of it the other day.  Beard dude, you work out so so hard at the gym, you run crazy long miles and definitely motivate me to go a little further.  But that beard has to go.  

You look like the Unabomber and you're scaring all the girls.

To the meatheads.  Stop lugging around your gallon bottle of colored protein water like you belong to Koolio's gang.  

Try some cardio every once in a while instead of  grunting and flexing and standing around claiming to be "between sets".  Between sets my bum.  I've been running on this treadmill for 45 minutes straight and I've seen you do maybe 15 minutes of exercise.  And no, flapping your mouth does not count.

Psssst, pretty young things....the mirrors in the gym are for you to watch your form as you work out, not to check yourself out every time you walk past.  Seriously?!?! Go to the bathroom mirror and look at yourself in private, we don't all need to see you check out your booty every 5 minutes.  Narcissistic much?

When I walk allllllllll the way to the opposite side of the gym to pick the treadmill away from everyone, it's not an open invitation for you to choose the one right beside me.  
Respect my disdain for other humans, please ;)

On the same note, when I pick my spot in class, and you come in and try to squeeze your way into the front row with me, don't be surprised if I sidekick you "by accident".
(Ok, I'm really not that mean, I'll just be kicking you in my head.)

Can someone make a gym where membership is only allowed to non-smokers?  

Is there any scent more disgusting than stale cigarette smoke and sweat wafting off the body next to you?  Me thinks not.  Besides, if you're smoking, why are you even exercising?  That's like putting on sunscreen before you get in a tanning booth.

And finally, I'm going to start wearing a t-shirt that says "If you're a personal trainer, don't approach me" because it's a little rude when one of them comes up to me as I'm working out asking if I'd like to be personally trained by them.
Personal Trainer: So you know, we could set up a plan that would really help.
Me: So you're saying I need help?
Personal Trainer: Well, I'm just trying to be nice and share my expertise.
Me: Feel free to share your expertise, just don't ask me to have to pay you for it.
Personal Trainer: 
Me: Thanks, anyway.

At least I get free entertainment!


  1. hahahahahaha

    I feel like I could have written this myself. Except I suffer from must-look-at-myself-in-every-mirror-and-reflective-window disease myself. I try to keep it to a minimum though.

  2. I loved this post! Just last night, I was describing people I see at the gym every single day along with several of my pet peeves regarding "gym etiquette" and our thoughts align perfectly! Especially the sweat and cigarette scented people who choose the treadmill right next to you even though there are a gazillion other free treadmills further away. And the meatheads - so true! I also love how they grunt SUPER LOUD and sometimes utter a "manly groan" as they finish one of their "sets." I roll my eyes every single time. Too funny!

  3. Ha! This was awesome! My sister was practically stalked by a personal trainer at her gym. he kept telling her he could really help her burn fat faster. She had just lost 80 lbs!!! on her own so she sent him packing, but he kept annoying her. She finally had to file a complaint about him - crazy!

    And that thing about the treadmill is so true . . . why, people? Why do you pick the treadmill right next to me when there are 70 open treadmills? Some people like to be exercise hermits, you know? ;-)

  4. Love this! I love the pic of John Candy.

    One thing is at least all this action probably keeps your mind off running on a dread mill for 45 min.

    I tend to like a busy gym so I can watch all the crazies.

    Oh and maybe beard dude is growing it to b like the Duck Dynasty crew?

  5. These are all so true!

    The person that walks backwards on the treadmill drives me crazy!

  6. Colleen, You are brave .. I haven't been to a gym in yrs because of all the crazies there.. I know exactly what you mean! Hate it when the pretty girls go with there matching socks, headbands, and shirts.. and don't brake out a seat. and also full of make-up.. that is why I stopped going.
    you are too funny.

  7. You are so hilarious! I loved all of this! Now I know exactly what is going through your head as you are pounding out those miles!

    I am mostly just jealous you have a gym, though, haven't gone in years and it is such a downer. Ditto on the PT's too.

  8. I will say one of the MAJOR perks to leaving the traditional gym and moving to a Crossfit "Box" has been the fact there are no mirrors, the guys running class are are personal trainers, too, but I already paid my fees, and no one that comes there smokes!! At least not that I have been able to determine. :)

    Great post...been there done that myself a few times.

  9. What a hoot! Having never actually joined a gym, these are all the stereotypes of people at the gym my mind has come up with. I'm pretty sure I'd share many of your same thoughts while pounding away at my workout time. I'm also pretty sure the PT's would drive me berserk, like hit ya, I'm crazy woman kind of crazy berzerk.

    I'll stick to my mirror-less, smoke-free, no beards allowed, at-home gym, thank you very much.:)

  10. Now see...this is why I don't go to the gym. Well, that and the fact that here in my little country town we don't have one. Ok, and the fact that I am way too lazy. There...I admit it! : ) I feel much better now.

  11. Oh, my, I think the gyms have changed since my pre child days when I actually went to the gym...this hasn't exactly made me want to get a membership, but it sure gave me laughs!!

  12. Too funny and true! I'm bad and don't do the gym but my husband has similar categories!

  13. Yep, that's why I stay away from the gym ;) Though I think it'd be a blast to go with you! I promise I won't get too close to ya in kickboxing ;)

  14. All true! And why is it that the woman in the matching workout clothes, full make-up and perfect body has to jump on a treadmill next.to.me.

  15. Hahahah these are all so true! My favorite ever was seeing an older man with the headphones on his bike connected to CMT - busted out loud singing Keith Urban hehe!


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