On Parenting

“I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.

I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more - that's seventeen,

And don't you think my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,

It might be the instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button's caving in.

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,

My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My toes are cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There's a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? 

What's that? What's that you say?

You say today is .............. Saturday?

G'bye, I'm going out to play!” 

~ Shel Silverstein

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.  

~John Wilmot

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.  

~Robert Fulghum

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

~Jim Gaffigan

Children are a great comfort in your old age - and they help you reach it faster, too.  
~Lionel Kauffman

Hot dogs always seem better out than at home; so do French-fried potatoes; so do your children.  

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy. 

 ~Robert A. Heinlein

My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time.  

~Karen Brown

If I had my child to raise all over again,

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"