Tuesday, April 23, 2013

It's OK

Oh honey, said the elderly lady at the store looking at the colicky newborn in my cart, cherish these years with your little ones.  They go so fast.


 It only gets harder as they get older, said the frazzled mom of two teenagers to me in line at the Registry of Motor Vehicles as I chased around a toddler with my 9 months pregnant belly.



I wanted to cry.

Every time somebody would tell me that raising a bunch of little kids was the easy part, or should be the best time in my life, I wanted to cry.  It can't get any harder than this, I would think.  I'm exhausted every day, I don't know what a full night's sleep feels like.  I actually dread going to bed because somebody will be waking me up in a few hours.  I can't fit in my clothes and there's never enough money.  All I do is clean and cook and cook and clean.  My kids are going to hate their childhood.  How did our mother's do this??


I was so hard on myself, as I think a lot of young mothers are.  With all the various technology that allows us to see how other moms are raising their well-behaved, well-educated, well-dressed children, we look around our messy house, and chocolate covered faces because cookies are much easier to hand out than balanced meals, and wonder why our kids can't quite seem to understand that hitting the baby is not funny and Mommy means business!  

If the homeschooling mom of 15 kids seems to have it altogether and doesn't have the constant glow of sweat that seemed to be my daily companion in those early years of motherhood, then why can't I?  How in God's name does she handle it all with grace and ease?

I'll let you in on a little secret.  She doesn't handle it ALL with grace.  She struggles with the things that are difficult for her, which may be vastly different from our temptation and weaknesses.  She doesn't blog or tweet or instagram her worst days, she shows pictures of her best moments.  Or if she does give us a *real* glimpse into a chaotic day, she makes it seem funny and entertaining.  Maybe her kids are learning Latin and can play classical piano because that's what is important to their family.  It doesn't have to be what's important to my family (and it's not).

We can't compare our interior with another's exterior, said the wise Danielle Bean.  

Comparison is the thief of joy, said Theodore Roosevelt.

It's okay to have feelings, said my handsome husband.  It's how we act on them that can be judged.  

It's okay to feel overwhelmed and exhausted and unhappy at times.  Raising children is hard, hard work.  It's messy and tiring and draining and sometimes thankless.  But we don't give up.  We don't stop loving and serving them.  We look at our struggles as opportunities of growth, as ways to fight vice with virtue.  

Because, no matter how challenging being a mother can be, it's also an awesome gift from God.  God didn't have to let us participate in the care and guidance of our children's bodies and souls.  He could have just created adult human beings that didn't need families at all.  How boring would that have been?

Getting out of the house with four babies aged three and under = a successful day!

So to Rosie (pictured above) and all the other wonderful young moms out there, chin up.  You're doing amazing things - you're raising saints!  Cut yourself some slack, and redefine your definition of a good day.  Maybe it doesn't mean preparing the perfect dinner or taking the kids to the park.  Maybe it just means stopping to say a prayer of thanksgiving that you get to be a mom and then getting on the floor with your kids and actually playing with them for ten minutes.  Confession: I used to have to force myself to do this.  Keeping the house relatively clean: check.  Cooking somewhat healthy meals: check.  Taking my kids to playgrounds and zoos and friend's houses: check.  But actually playing with my kids? That had to go on my to-do list.  See?  We all have our own struggles.

 I wish someone would have told me when I was in the trenches of my twenties raising lots of littles that those days were hard, and encouraged me instead of scaring me for the future.  It does get easier, they do grow up, and you will look back on these days with fond and funny memories (said the ancient 34 year old mom of five). Maybe I'm just in a sweet spot, or have gained more patience with each baby.  Maybe I have no clue what I'm talking about because I haven't yet had the opportunity to raise teenagers.  But all I know is that this stage is easier, and you will get here one day.  Trust me.

32 comments:

  1. Good points. I think with every age there are challenges and rewards. When they are little you have to do everything for them, but they can't get into too much trouble (leave the house, go with bad friends, etc). When they are teens they are independent, but certainly can get into more serious trouble. You trade one set of issues for another ;)

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  2. Beautiful, Colleen. I hate when people assume that since someone posts their highlights and the things they want to remember that they are trying to hide the hard things (or that they have no hard things). Everyone has struggles. I try to remember to rejoice with people in their joy rather than peering around all nosy-like to try to find their pain and cross...does that make sense? And I'm the same way with having to force myself to play with my kids...I'd much rather be completing a task and being boringly efficient!

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  3. Thanks for the encouragement! I was reminded how fast these years go by when I went in for my 6 week postpartum appointment yesterday. Can't believe those 6 weeks have already passed...

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  4. I agree. It DOES get easier. I love the phrase "redefine your definition of a good day".....I wish someone had told me that 20 years ago. :)

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  5. Thank you for this post. I really needed this encouragement today! :)

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  6. This post is wonderful! I love the reminder to take a deep breath and enjoy the current set of circumstances. Good or bad. As the mom of two teenagers and two toddlers, I feel I get so caught up in making sure everyone gets "equal" mom time that I often lose sight of the time I need with them to remind myself of why I am doing this all over again. Thank you for that!

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  7. I love this. I needed this. Thank you. :)

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  8. There is a reason that severe sleep deprivation is classified as torture.

    It does get easier -- and kids do grow. They won't always be crying and hanging on you. My 13 yo, 10 yo, and 6 yo are awesome sets of hands. They can buckle babies in the car, pack sippy cups, get snacks, make breakfast, change diapers, turn on DVDs for the 50th time -- I miss them when they are in school!

    And the older kids are remarkably capable of helping their siblings in ways that a mom can't, even if she had enough hands. It's important to foster that sibling relationship. After all, they will have each other after we parents are done. :)

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  9. Oh, Colleen... this post is making me cry. It is exactly what I needed to hear today. These last few weeks have been especially challenging with Joe and Sam. I feel like I've been nothing but a mean mom. I'm so stressed and starting to despair. God knew I needed to read this post today!

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  10. Oh so true. How many times did I hear, "Enjoy them hon. It's the best time of your life." Boy did that scare me!! It most definitely was NOT the best. Right now with my kids ages between 4 and 12, THAT is a lot easier. I smile a lot more these days than back then.

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  11. Such a great post!!! And so important to hear!!! I will have to bookmark this one (along with the other one I keep coming back to -- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html) to read again (and again and again and again) on the hard days.

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  12. Great post! Just what I needed a reminder of today.

    I'm in the process of reading 10 Habits of a Happy Mother by Dr. Meg Meeker for my moms book club. It's wonderful and a must read for all moms. I wish I would have found it 16 years ago!

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  13. This reminds me of the saying--and I tell myself it often:
    The days are long, but the years are short.

    So true.
    We are so similar in how we mother, seriously, I"m good at giving orders and planning things to do, but to actually do them too...not always that easy.

    Great post Colleen.

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  14. Lovely post Colleen! I fall into the comparison trap and often have to remind myself that other people are posting high lights and I should never compare myself to them. It's so easy to do though and something that I am constantly working on.

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  15. Excellent, we all have our own personal battles, and our own personal victories.

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  16. sweet post. i am with you on making myself stop and pay with the kids. i don't know why it is hard for me, but it just is. kirk is great at it and it makes me so happy to watch him play with the kids.

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  17. Look at your sweet Maggie all little in her car seat...I am going to go and hug my Ava just a little more. They do grow up fast ...got that one right.

    The teen thing is great. Your family is awesome so the teens stuff shouldn't be a problem.

    great post!

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  18. Beautiful post! You are so right - we struggle on with grace - we don't have a perfect life with grace. Oh, the honest truth in that, my friend!! And, somehow, in the midst of all of the exhaustion and difficulty, we have to find the consolations which are so great yet often overlooked - a sweet smile, a baby's giggle, bare feet and curly hair....all of it will pass away much too quickly. God Bless you!!

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  19. Oh man, this totally made me cry! Being able to *see* the easier phase with other families really does make it more bearable - hearing from those old women at church that it gets easier is hard to take, because I wonder, how much do they REALLY remember? But you've been through it recently, you're still in the trenches, and I so needed this :)

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  20. Amen:) Each age has its struggles and challenges...especially when you do them all at once;)

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  21. Beautiful post Collen!!! Love the pictures..

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  22. Great post! I have to remind myself often of things the kids enjoy doing with us and remember they won't always want to do those things and to treasure those special times with them.

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  23. Had to comment here as I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My children are 21, 19, 17, 14, 12, 9 and 8. It is harder than it was when they were all little because I can't direct their lives anymore like I could when they were all under 10. The struggles are different, the arguments are different and at all times I have to take into account that some of them are adults. Wow. In that sense it was easier when they were younger. Maybe that is what those people meant who said that to you. Enjoy each stage while you can :)

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  24. I think each stage of parenting carries with it different difficulties. For me, the hardest, worst time was when I had 2 children, under the age of 3. That was hard, hard, hard. As my kids have gotten older, things have gotten easier in many respects, but in some respects they've gotten harder. Little kids require more hands on physical work...bigger kids require more mental work. My oldest is 11 and very sweet and generally easy..but also we're dealing with puberty and hormones and changes..and that's hard too. And, when kids are bigger the stakes are higher..I can see "the end in sight"..in only 7 years she'll be 18 and well all of a sudden 7 years doesn't seem like nearly enough time left with her, to teach her everything I need to teach her.

    When my kids were little, time seemed to drag on forever...now it feels like the years are railroading past me, so fast..and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

    Each stage has its challenges...but I think when your kids are little, you're fighting for their physical life (keeping them clean, fed, clothed, safe, out of danger/harm). When, they are older you're fighting for their mental and spiritual life..keeping them grounded, happy, following the church, teaching them to work hard, be responsible, etc., etc.

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  25. Love this, and love your beautiful soul. :)

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  26. Ahh, your posts always come at just the right time.

    Love,

    The mom whose house is a flippin mess

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  27. Weird, twilighty moment...I just wrote about this exact thing.

    My husband doesn't love every part of his job (and no one expects him too!)...why do women tell each other we should love every moment of parenting? Huh? Huh? :) Parenting is good and beautiful but it's also very hard.

    Says this 36!!! year old mom of 5. :)

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  28. Amen. It doesn't get harder it just gets different. In your early days of multiple babies it seems so hard then gradually it changes... Then it gets different. Each stage has different demands and some ppl are better at handling different stages then others. But comparing families is definitely the wrong thing to do because they each have different challenges etc... And I for one am the first to say that I am no saintly mom. I often feel like the worst mom. But I was just feeling this way last week when I ran into one of those seemingly perfect families. I was just in awe at how some ppl manage to be so good at different things that really challenge me.
    And add that to the fact that now my kids compare themselves and their family to others also. My eldest did just said yesterday, mom , why can't you be like E' s mom. She sings on Mondays! Really the mom goes around singing joyfully to her kids just because its Monday ? Meanwhile I am pulling out my hair?

    On a side note... I am actually glad you were on vacation during that awful week in Boston. Thought of you guys :)

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  29. All I can say is a big fat thank you for writing this. I only have one fussy baby and semi regularly panic that "maybe I'm not cut out for motherhood! Maybe messing up one kid is enough and I shouldn't even think about having more!"

    But the answer is indeed: grace, which is always sufficient. I just need to be reminded of that from wise ladies like yourself :)

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  30. This is a great post and it's so true. I have been in and out so many times. Interestingly enough, last fall was one of the most trying times I have ever had as a parent -- and it was because the first sememster of middle school was so hard on my oldest. Watching her struggle with learning who the true friends were, watching her cry when things didn't go the way they should, watching her lose her confidence -- all of that stunk and I was suddenly pining for the days when she was too small for school and stayed home with mom and dad and was safe from the world.

    But even then, watching her come out of it -- rebuilding her confidence to a higher level, having good solid friendships with the ones who stuck by her, watching her continue to forge good friendships with people she didn't reach out to as much before -- all of that has made it easier in the last few months.

    This is a good post to remind us all that we just gotta do what we gotta do, and don't worry what everyone else is doing.

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