Tuesday, February 15, 2022

Decisions, Decisions

Is it just me, or does making decisions get harder and harder the older we get?  I find that I run out of patience before the discussion is over and nothing has been decided, which leads to yet another discussion at a later point, which frustrates me that WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS and again, patience flies out the window and the decision is left unmade.  

So perhaps if I write down all of the decisions we need to make here, you can all chime in and help a mother out?  I am just now realizing that they all have to do with travelling so let's gooooooo:

1) Summer Vacation

For the past two years, we have brought the family to Catholic Familyland in Bloomingdale, OH where we have a week-long family retreat.  It's tons of fun and life-giving.  We meet up with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and their 8 kids and have a little family vacation together.  The hard thing about this vacation is that it is very difficult to get there, not just in the amount of driving time (12 hours each way) but in every other way too.  We have to rent a camper and have it delivered there, pack clothes and supplies for a family of nine without laundry access, plan and shop for groceries out in Ohio, and then cook for said large family from the camper.  The easy thing about this vacation is that once we are there, the kids are entertained and we don't have to plan any activities each day or think about what to do or where to go.  They have cousins and friends and sports tournaments and youth group meetings and pools and so much fun.  We were planning to go back again this summer but found out that some friends had picked a different week to attend, and then our camper guy informed us he sold his camper and we couldn't rent it anymore.  We are looking to rent a different camper, but everything seems to be more money or too small or too far away.  

We also have a timeshare in New Hampshire that we pay for each year, and it's the same week we were going to Ohio.  We planned on moving that week in NH to another time (maybe August?) but now that the OH trip keeps giving us trouble, we are wondering if we should just go to NH instead?  The pros - it would be cheaper, only a 2 hour drive each way, we would have a full kitchen and condo with plenty of room.  The cons - once we are there, it's a lot of planning and deciding about what to do and where to go each day, which for a family with our age ranges (kids aged 5 through 19) is hard to please everyone.

2) Anniversary Trip

Before we even go away for the summer, Phil and I are trying to plan a little getaway for our 20th Anniversary in May.  I feel like 20 years is a big deal and we should celebrate, but then the logistics of getting away when we still have little kids (I'm thinking lots of people married for 20 years don't still have a Kindergartner, but I could be wrong?) is daunting.  

I love a night away from them, but more than that and I get antsy missing them/worrying/feeling guilty.  Our college aged child would be in charge while we are away, reinforced by my parents who live downstairs.  We've never left the kids alone before for an overnight as we always had our goddaughter come live with them, but she is getting married and frankly too old busy to be asked to babysit anymore.  I mean, really, at what age does a babysitter retire?  Anyhoo, we renewed our passports and want to go to Canada, preferable Quebec where they still speak French and it will feel like we are truly in another country.  We dated throughout Europe, and I think we want a little taste of that again, oui oui. The drive to Quebec is about 7 hours each way so we would have to stay for at least 2 nights to make it worthwhile, but probably 3.  This seems indulgent and like maybe we should just wait until our 25th anniversary when our youngest is ten?  

3) College Visits

Andrew is only a Junior in high school, but we are trying to start the college visits with him so we can fit them in more organically to places where we are already travelling.  We are taking him to St. Anselm's in February and then to both Franciscan University and Catholic University in April.  The issue here is that I feel like I am trying to push him to decide where he wants to go and what he wants to study when he seems to have no idea yet.  On the one hand, I'm like THAT'S FINE YOU ARE ONLY 17 AND DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE YET but on the other hand, when you sign up for a college tour, they want to know your intended major.  It's like kids are being made to decide these big things earlier and earlier.  When I went to college, I thought I wanted to be a doctor, and majored in Biology.  After one semester, I switched to a double major of Journalism and Theology, and the next year I made the final switch to Accounting.  I *obviously* had no idea what I wanted to be at 18, and honestly, at age 42, don't even know if I made the right decision.  Like, lay off my baby, people!  But also, tell me what you are interested in, baby!  Do I keep trying to show him options and encourage certain majors based on what I see as his talents?  Do I just lay off and let him decide even if he leaves it all to the last minute?  I can tell that he is overwhelmed by it all.  He has friends who know exactly what they want to be, and where they want to go, but he just doesn't know yet.  He is smart, kind, fun, athletic, hard-working, sensitive, responsible, empathetic and can do anything...once he puts his mind to it.  I feel like college is a choice in life where the student should be leading the charge, not the parents.  So how much to nudge and how much to let go?


Thoughts?  I know you have them!  Please spill....

33 comments:

  1. I feel your pain on the decisions. I am the worst decider/planner and then always feel guilty because if I don't decide it/plan it, nothing happens. I also feel your pain (to some degree) on leaving the kids behind. Dan's Christmas present to me is a 2 night stay at our favorite B&B in Charleston. He wants to go in March around St. Patrick's Day but I can't stand the thought of leaving Sarah at home alone (even though my mom lives next door) and then what if Peter wanted to come home - that's when Peter's spring break is and even though he's only coming home for part of it I don't want to miss him. I hope you guys get it all worked out so that you can enjoy time away without feeling too guilty!

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    1. Exactly Beth! It's not just making the decision but it's the pressure of having to do it or nobody else will!

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  2. Okay so my big initial thought is "Take the Trip." Don't worry about the kids for 3 nights. I know Brendan is your big mamma's boy, and he still will be when you come back. 20 years IS worthy of celebrating and you have a plethora of great big kids who are more than qualified to watch their brothers. Especially with grandparents downstairs. Marriage is hard work and life is too short to not celebrate.

    As for Andrew, just mark undecided for the major on tours and don't stress. If he's really really undecided and stressed out about the next steps there is no shame in staying nearby and going to a smaller community college while he takes time to figure out what he wants to do. Or apprentice with a plumber. (The way I see it, I wish I had a passion for plumbing. They're always everyone's heroes when they show up and they make a great living. Either he discovers he likes plumbing and makes a career out of it, or he figures out what he wants to do while he learns some valuable life skills and has plenty to offer up because... plumbing isn't for the faint of heart.)

    As for this summer... I'd go timeshare. But I have no real reason for that besides camping not being my thing. :)

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    1. Yes, thanks for the reminder that life is short. We had originally planned a big 10th anniversary trip...I got pregnant instead...and here we are at 20 years already. I think Andrew might end up staying home and taking classes (apprenticing is a great idea!) until he figures it out, which is fine by me. Yeah, camping is not my fave but that place is magical...I think you guys would love it.

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  3. My thoughts:
    1) Go to New Hampshire. Have the highly responsible,lovely teenagers you have help plan activities. You can break up into groups - not every activity has to be with everyone. It'll be fun! And less driving, esp if you have to go to...
    3) College visits. At my school, we call freshman without majors "exploratory" (which sounds better than undecided). Many people switch majors, and sometimes you can't get a feel for the school's programs until you're there. Leave it up to him. Unless he's really interested in a school where your acceptance depends on your major (like my big State University - my son applied for the comp sci school but got the chem school instead), most schools know people might change majors. There are usually enough classes for freshmen to take that are required or fulfill some category of graduation requirement that not knowing your major early on isn't a problem. Have him do a virtual tour first to make sure the trip is worth the hassle.
    @) I can't help you there, as the only big anniversary trip we planned I backed out of (we were going to take sweet baby with us too) but it's a good thing we cancelled as the baby caught RSV and we spent the weekend in the hospital instead. However, you do have lovely responsible teenagers,and 5 years olds are not too hard to take care of. The only concern would be who's working when and what sports are the kids in. However, can you go to Canada? Is travel restricted there or not?

    Good luck with your decisions. Pray on it! It's much easier to decide for other people than yourself!

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    1. Virtual tours are a great idea to do first, thanks for that reminder. Also yes to the not having to do all activities together...I gotta get out of that mindset. And Canada is open to vaccinated Americans but now with the borders being blocked by truckers, who knows?

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  4. Dave and I went to Quebec city this summer and it was WONDERFUL. But I will warn you our trip took longer than the estimated 6 hours (more like 8!) because of the border crossing and road construction. Totally worth it, though! Quebec City is very European.

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    1. Oooooh I need to pick your brain about where to stay and what to do if we decide to go there!

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  5. Three nights to celebrate 20 years does NOT seem overly indulgent at all and you will never regret it! (20th anniversary is still a few years away for me but I feel like I'd want an internet stranger to give me that pep talk when the time comes haha)

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  6. We went to Hawaii for our 20th- so much so that we're planning on going back for our 25th. It was fabulous. My mom came and stayed with the kids for a week. I grew up going to New Hampshire for the summers. Not a time share, but the same house, at a lake, rented year after year. For kid activities there's Storyland, Santa's Village, and Clarks. For hiking there's so many trails like Flume Gorge and Diana's Baths, that are totally kid accessible.

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    1. We love Storyland and Diana's Baths! Hawaii sounds like a dream, that was where we wanted to go for our 10th anniversary but then baby #5 came :)

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  7. Please take the anniversary trip! It will be good for you and for the kiddos. I'm the youngest in my family with a big gap and some of my favorite memories are when the big sibs were left in charge. It's a win/win for everyone. I'd say lay off on the college stress. Mark everything undecided and let him lead. As far as vacation, I only have two kids and decided last summer our camping days are over. It's soooo much work and I was tired of coming home exhausted and feeling like all i did was work. So, I'd lean towards NH, but I can see the benefit of not having to think about activities too.

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    1. Yes camping is tons of work, thank you for validating that. And I like hearing about your experience of being left with older siblings :)

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  8. I have a 'what to do about travel plans' post that will pop up tomorrow. Since I drafted it, I've come up with even another option. I hear you, the decisions and the conversations. And then no final decision made. Exhausting.

    I vote for New Hampshire - sounds easier and the other seems to require more of you. If you've done it recently, then maybe a new adventure is in order? Are the kids fine skipping it?

    I agree with the above, going away for 3 nights isn't over indulgent. Your older kids can handle things. Our 25th anniversary was in August. We haven't done anything to celebrate. That was literally in the middle of the chaos of having 'the boys' live with us.

    I would NOT worry about having a college major chosen when visiting college. I do get it though. Mini preferred certain colleges if she was going to study education, and others if she chose business. She ultimately decided on business. She was struggling though, because what if she hadn't decided her major in advance and ended up at a school that didn't have the right program? It isn't easy, but I think most college anticipate students' switching majors. Community college is a great option, and so much cheaper - maybe he takes classes there until he has a better idea. Can he talk to adults you know working in various industries? I definitely gave Tank some advice when he was choosing a major, but he could sell ice to eskimos so it was as plain as the nose on his face. Or, he could become a stand up comedian and skip college.

    Good luck.

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    1. It's like colleges are "known" for certain majors and how do we pick if we don't know the major? Annoying. I'll celebrate my 20th if you celebrate your 25th...deal? :)

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  9. 1) NH. I take it as God's sign when everything is pointing me in a specific direction.
    2) A 20 year aniversary is definitely worth celebrating! No guilt allowed.
    3) Do the visits but in a very laid-back way, just to show him the options. He might get interested in a major while visiting. Fill the form with the most popular major they offer, so that they don't ask too many questions and he can change it later.

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    1. I so agree with the signs pointing in one direction...the only thing I didn't mention is that we would totally be letting down my relatives that we hang out with the whole week.

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  10. My husband and I have 6 kids- our oldest is 23 and our youngest is 4...we've been married 25 years. I totally get where you are. There is no one else I know in the same place of life as us (not too many people have adult children & a pre-schooler at the same time). Anyway, we did go away for our 20th- 3 days in NYC. My parents stayed with the kids and it was absolutely the best decision for us. 3 days away can do wonders for a marriage. We wanted to go away for the 25th too....but our 4 year old has some special needs and all our babysitters were too busy too. So we didn't make any plans....then at the last minute, we decided we'd make it work one way or another. We ended up going to a cabin in Tennessee for 6 days. We took the 2 youngest with us so it wasn't exactly romantic...but still a ton of fun and worth doing. I think if you can do it, go on that trip. You won't regret it.

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    1. Thank you for the advice from someone who's also in the trenches :)

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  11. You should definitely take the anniversary trip! I think you'll be fine with the border/truckers - most border crossings are totally unaffected. If you're worried about the long travel distance for only three days may I shamelessly plug my province of New Brunswick? The Bay of Fundy is glorious. There's amazing views, you can walk on the ocean floor at low tide, numerous hikes, quaint little towns along the Bay and more bustling "big" Saint John. It's got a 35%ish francophone population (though it varies widely in terms of where in the province you are). And, it's much closer to New England than Quebec.

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    1. Ooooh that's true, we don't have to go all the way to QC...Montreal is a couple of hours closer for us, and we could still get that french feel?

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    2. Montreal is really fun but Quebec City is even more fun...honestly, I would drive up to Quebec City! It feels much more foreign than Montreal and it's really quant and historical and beautiful.

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  12. 1. Storyland: I'd be inclined to pass on it with all the coordination troubles.
    2. College Visits: let him be for now. The more you push, the harder it is for him. Here you are having trouble deciding just about traveling! Give him space. And think about a place like TAC (Northfield MA is pretty close): rigorous, thoroughly Catholic liberal arts degree to set up him to be able to fully think and decide!
    3. NH: we go to the White Mountains nearly every year with our crew of 6 (ages 8-25). Tons of awesome, challenging, free hikes (Black Cap and Arethusa Falls are our favorites), plus Flume Gorge, my favorite place on earth, and Polar Caves. Great places to pick around rocky rivers, get burgers & sandwiches--we love it.
    4. Anniversary trip: do it. Your parents are clutch. Last year was ours and I was anxious and antsy and we only went down to the crummy CT coast an hour away and not even for a full 24 hours. It didn't really feel like the big celebration we wanted. 20 years is awesome: let your trip reflect it, and remember (I wish I had) that your kids learn how you value marriage from these kinds of things.

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    1. NH does have lots of hikes for the kids, true. And yes, I know I'll be disappointed after the fact if we don't really celebrate it, thank you.

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  13. 1. how much your fam loved Catholic Land always leapt out of the recaps abundantly clear, but logistic struggles are def valid! I'd go to NH.

    2. Anniversary trip: Take the trip! I'll be honest at first I was like 'that is a LOT for a college sophomore' but then...your parents will be clutch! And I'm sure any siblings you have around will be willing to be "on-call" if needed in support of your trip!

    3. College- Gah!! I was the same. I still remember how frustrated my mom would get on tours when I was talking to an Admissions rep or a Dean, and they would ask what I wanted to study, and I'd say "Undecided". She'd be like 'just tell them something or whatever you're considering!' But it is so hard! I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and what would make me happy to do for the rest of my life (lol). In the grand scheme of things, they're so young, and college forces on them things like loans (I JUST paid mine off - crazy! I was a pretty savvy 18 y/o but still didn't fully grasp this was a decade-long deal) and 'what do you want to do with the rest of your life?' pressures/conversations. I think let him be. He knows he has to figure it out so I'm sure he's working through it internally. And when he needs to bounce things off you, he will.

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  14. You make very good points :) Also congrats on paying off your college debt! Woo-hoo!!!!!

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  15. 1. From your posts it seems that catholic familyland is amazing for your family and worth the trouble
    2. 2/3 nights does not seem like a lot to this non-mother, nor over indulgent
    3. Don't pressure him but it is important that he keeps thinking about the subject

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    1. I know it IS so worth the trouble. We decided we will keep going, just not every single year.

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  16. Hi :)

    I'm chiming in because you asked :) and I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now with never having any comments, I've just enjoyed your sharing so much and your humor/honesty in all those situations! and if you can't tell by my work email address - I'm local. I live in Tiverton actually which - Hi. - ok now that's out of the way I promise never to come up to you at BJ's if I see you lol. However, I do have to thank you for sharing about your shingles episode - it's because of you I went and got all my shingles vaccines over last summer - thank you!! I am so sorry you had to go through what you did, but you definitely pushed me in the right direction. My primary care has never even suggested it when I've gone for my physicals, and I'm 53, so I am grateful to have seen your post.

    I am going to go away from the majority and say try and get to OH - get your children and their cousins together as often as you can and make those memories now. Sooner or later, maybe sooner, it won't be possible for all of you to be in the same place at the same time, and those days, when they happen, are hard! My son stayed local for his undergrad, RWU, and lived at home. When he left for graduate school in VA at almost 23 years old it was so hard those first few times he couldn't be with us for family gatherings. We all adjusted, because that is life, but looking back I'm glad we had so much extra time all together before he needed to move on.

    I also feel that we are very close to NH and nothing changes very much there from year to year. We go faithfully either on the long weekend in October or over Veteran's Day in November, if it is close enough to the weekend. We enjoy the same activities each time, but we mostly go for the scenery now.

    I also say, go to Canada with your husband. You will feel so glad that you did, and from what I can read here, your youngest children will be very well taken care of. Celebrate yourselves!! 20 years is a wonderful milestone.

    Finally, college. I have three children with three extremely different situations/outcomes and none of them have been wrong in the end. One made it very easy knowing exactly what he wanted. One just couldn't stand it and tried for two years at our local community college, she's ended up just fine and in a career she enjoys, she's almost 30 but college in and of itself was not for her. My youngest was all over the place so we insisted that if she wanted some financial help she needed to stay local, RIC. She completed two years, played lacrosse, and dropped classes every semester. We let her move off campus junior year. She then got focused on a major, then didn't want to go back senior year, and at that point we told her it was not an option to quit - she was too close to the finish line. We did make her stay and finish her degree and it has served her well, but she definitely had mixed feelings about it while in the thick of it all.

    I hope that whatever you end up deciding that it works out perfectly for you, and your family, and that you blog about it!!

    Take care,
    Mindy

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    1. Waving at you in Tiverton from Dartmouth!! We love Grey's ice cream :) I am so glad for you getting that shingles shot! After I went through it, so many of my coworkers got theirs too. Yikes, it was horrible. Thanks for sharing your stories about your kids...in the end it always works out but it's so hard to have that trust for the future. I'm working on it :)

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  17. I also agree about doing the OH trip. It is worth the trouble, i think, to foster the relationships with cousins. And in a few more years, you will not have so many going and the big camper issue wont be so tricky. We went every summer to visit my cousins until i was 12 and i have so many good memories and binds from that time. I can only imagine the hassle of international travel with little kids for my mom.

    As far as college, from a girl who did not one single official visit, i would have appreciated some more of them, but loved where i ended up almost by accident. I took a year after high school to work and be a nanny and that helped me jump into and appreciate college much better. Currently we have a family business that employs alot of high school kids. It's so interesting seeing how they handle the decision. I think training for a trade is a great idea, which does not rule out collge at a later time. Around us, builders hire high-school boys to help clean up worksites, which gives alot of cash and good exposure to that trade

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